But sometimes, as with all artistic pursuits, inspiration is hard to come by. I wanna rant about something. But what? Sometimes, infinite choice is no choice at all.

So, help me out. Give me some topic and I’ll give you 500 words, minimum. It can’t be too generic (“birds”) or so specific that I’d need six hours of research just to write an opening sentence. In return, I’ll plug something you want plugged (non-sexual) — a link to your site, a shout-out to someone or something. You help me, I’ll help you. What a wonderful world.

Leave a comment below, email me at dailysquizz (at) gmail (dot) com or tweet me @DailySquizz. Cheers!

Sigh. Just have a chuckle. Ranting to return soon, hopefully.

A hat tip to Chris on the second video.

Democracy in action!

So, if recent (terrifying) polls are to be believed, Rob Ford looks poised to be the next mayor of Toronto. For you non-Torontonians, an update: Ford is a long-time city councilor with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, a dubious history with sports teams, previous problems with boozing and is, to some, “the kind of guy with whom (a voter) wouldn’t mind going fishing“. Unlike someone else to whom those descriptors apply, though, Ford doesn’t have a shadowy cabal propping him up and forcing him into office.

No, instead, Ford seems to be riding a wave of “suburban fury“, as voters on the city’s outskirts supposedly hold him up as their shining light against the wasteful spending of those downtown artsy folks. “Trimming the fat” at city hall has long been one of Ford’s biggest bugaboos, so it’s good to see that he spoke out so forcefully against the ridiculous usage of $5 million of city money to build the continent’s tallest flagpole.

Sorry, my mistake, Ford didn’t speak out against the giant dick. No, he actually voted in favour of it. The project, naturally, isn’t in the downtown core; had it been, would Ford have been supportive of it? Impossible to know, but we can all take our educated guesses.

This silly project, combined with the dread of a potential Ford mayoral reign, has had the following song playing on repeat in my head for a few days now… and I’m sure it will be in yours too…

Just close your eyes and think of organic bean sprouts.

The yearly arrival of the Canadian National Exhibition in Toronto, and the concomitant gustatory atrocities — this year’s marquee features are deep-fried butter and cheeseburgers in a bag — always cause me to momentarily think about food in a broad way.

This year, that contemplation is heavily shaded by the recall of 500,000,000 eggs in the United States thanks to a salmonella outbreak. Half a billion chances for someone to develop diarrhea, vomiting and a fever. It’s not entirely a blindside hit, though; considering the scale of food production required to adequately feed hundreds of millions of lazy, expectant people on this continent, some shortcuts were always going to be taken. When those shortcuts include raising animals in ridiculously inhumane conditions, yeah, of course you’re going to have some basic hygiene questions that go unanswered.

From here, I began musing on vegetarianism. Those prescribing to the diet choice can often be pompous, proselytizing pricks. Sometimes they’re even hypocrites, claiming that meat is murder whilst wearing leather boots. Besides, if meat in and of itself is such a horrid concept, why are many vegetarian foods created specifically to replicate the taste and/or texture and/or experience of eating meat?

In nature, animals eat other animals. A lion isn’t “bad” for eating a zebra. It’s just fulfilling its evolutionary mandate.

But human beings demanding copious amounts of unsustainably inexpensive meat and dairy products to fill a “need” manufactured by the advertising agencies of multinational fast-food corporations? That isn’t an evolutionary mandate. That is bad. It’s bad for the animals — who generally live under horrid conditions — and bad for us, as those horrid conditions lead to salmonella outbreaks and other health maladies.

Of course, you can always jack up the cows and pigs with obscene amounts of antibiotics to prevent such situations… but then we all unknowingly become so inured to antibiotics that terrifying, medication-resistant superbugs develop and threaten to consume us all in pandemic panic.

So what can you do?

The answer is not extremist. The answer is not “stop eating meat and dairy under any circumstances”. These food products do, after all, contain many of the nutrients that are vital in helping humans, y’know, be alive. The answer isn’t even “you must always and invariably buy organic, free-range eggs and hyper-local hormone-free beef and yada yada yada…”

But if you’re the sort of person who’s of the admittedly idealistic belief that your individual choices matter (y’know, the kind of silly lot that bothers voting), there is a conscious choice you can make. That choice is to think about what you’re consuming, as often as possible. Think about where it came from, how it got to you, and what your other potential available options are.

That’s all. I’ve made some adjustments in my own life in the past five years, but they don’t apply to you, because you aren’t me. And even within that framework, there’s always wiggle room. Nothing is absolute in this life. All we can do is try to make the best possible decisions, as often as possible.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m headed down to the CNE for some chocolate-covered bacon.

Holy shit!

Like most men, I hate dancing. Rather, what I hate is feeling that my movement to music needs to follow some set, aesthetically appropriate pattern. I’m all for spastic, cathartic flailing (I quite enjoy that, actually). But actual, legitimate dancing? I’ll pass.

And that’s surely a good thing, based on the news today. Not only did a recent Canadian Idol contestant (who did the moonwalk during his audition) get arrested on terrorism charges, but our democracy-hating prime minister has also found himself cutting a rug recently, in an attempt to shed his (deserved) image as a cartoonishly stiff purveyor of all things grim.

Plus, former Republican congressman Tom DeLay (pictured), who is currently on trial for money laundering, coincidentally (or not?) appeared on Dancing With The Stars. Other former “stars” on that program? Extremist talking head Tucker Carlson, complicit perpetrators of boy-band atrocities Joey Fatone and Lance Bass, and universal stupefying agent Steve-O.

(Actually, Steve-O’s not that bad, as his particular brand of mindless idiocy has probably helped thin out the herd a bit, as Jackass’s chromosome-lacking followers foolishly attempt to imitate his stunts.)

But the most insidious, nefarious force in contemporary western culture?

I don’t know if the cast members and production crew of this show, nominated for 19 Emmy Awards, were born bad, or simply became so after getting together to create this beast of a program called Glee.

All I know is that they took the most hackneyed, well-worn ground in American popular culture (the politics of being in high school), added a treacly, saccharine conceit (group of misfits sees the best in themselves, and each other, come out through singing and dancing) and somehow made something… enjoyable.

Yeah, there, I said it. And for that… the show’s creators are truly the evillest of them all.

"Laugh now, but I'll hit 40 home runs some day. Really."

Damien Cox of the Toronto Star evidently saw fit to turn his shit-disturbometer up to 11 earlier this week, when he wrote a blog post essentially insinuating that the Blue Jays’ Jose Bautista was using performance-enhancing drugs. Bautista was an unheralded free-agent acquisition by the Jays two seasons ago, whose previous claim to fame was the dubious honour of having been on the rosters of five different teams in 2004 (which gives you an idea of how valuable those teams perceived him to be). This year, however, he’s unexpectedly (to put it mildly) leading the entire league in home runs (having cranked out 40 as of this writing).

Now, we’re in an era where Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds, two of the greatest players of their generation, are under criminal investigation for their alleged steroid use. And for all of the league’s big talk about “cleaning up the game”, few truly believe that performance-enhancers have been eradicated. So for Cox to suggest that Bautista’s performance is less than natural isn’t exactly groundbreaking stuff. Even so, he’s been summarily raked over the coals in the blogosphere, mostly because the mainstream media haven’t attacked his baseless claim with the same vigour that they went after Jerod Morris, a blogger who made a similar claim about another player last year.

Frankly, I’m not perturbed by any of this, for two main reasons. Number one, Bautista plays for the team that I like, which automatically absolves him of fault for any nefarious deeds, even if I’d be appalled by players on other teams doing the same thing. Number two, the whole crackdown on drug-using baseball players is misguided… or, to be more specific, the league should try to eliminate steroids, but should encourage the usage of other drugs:

Normally I’m not beholden to the happy-sunshine optimism sort of mind set, but sometimes you’re reminded that things could always be worse. For instance…

• You think your commute to work is bad? Or the gridlock you faced the last time you took the local “express” way? Well, at least you’re not stuck in traffic for weeks on end.
• You think it was annoying having to wait a few extra moments on the elevator because some lazy asshole decided they were going to use it just to get up to the first floor? Well, at least you’re not going to be stuck in a mine shaft for the foreseeable future.
• You think you’ve got it bad because your roommate is sloppy, or has bothersome idiosyncratic quirks*? Well, at least they didn’t burn you, cut off part of your tongue and make you suffer brain damage. (*To avoid confusion, neither my actual nor de facto roommate are sloppy, while their idiosyncratic quirks are delightful.)
• You think your local mayor or town council is terrible? Well, at least you’re not on the verge of being governed by Rob Ford. Unless you live in Toronto. Then you’re fucked, just like me.
• You think you’ve got a troubled relationship with your parents? Well, at least mainstream national media outlets aren’t running stories that breathlessly hope your dad cheating on your mom, and the subsequent dissolution of your family, haven’t hurt his professional life.

So yeah, maybe things ain’t so bad after all.

Our new light-rail?

While much of what I write here is pretty esoteric, this post is going to be especially useless, in a very nerdy way. You’ve been warned.

Earlier today, the Toronto Transit Commission’s Customer Service Advisory Panel released its report with dozens of recommendations on improvements for the TTC. The report reminds us that the day-to-day operations of the TTC are a vast, complex undertaking, and that it’s oh-so-difficult to manage what is North America’s third-largest public transit system.

Third largest? Really? I’ve heard that stat before. But after having coincidentally stumbled upon a book called Transit Maps of the World on someone’s coffee table a few days ago, I couldn’t help but be reminded that for all of its size and supposed complexity, Toronto’s subway system is depressingly, incomprehensibly awful.

I’m not speaking of the trains themselves (which are old, and occasionally smelly), or the stations themselves (which are old, ugly and poorly-kept, in many cases). I’m speaking of the design of the whole thing. Here’s a map of Toronto’s subway system, for the uninitiated:

So, if you wanna go somewhere within a thin strip of the downtown core, or along one specific east-west corridor, the subway’s got you covered. Otherwise, you’re shit outta luck. Compare this to some other North American systems:

Montreal

Chicago

Boston

Noticing the trend? The subway lines in those cities (and most others) branch out in multiple directions, meaning the subway is your go-to transit option no matter where you’re looking to go.

Yes, I realize that transit systems aren’t built in vacuums, and that they’re subject to the geographical and financial realities of the time and place in which they’re established.

But when you think about what could have been in Toronto… it can’t help but bring you down, a little bit.

For instance, repairs being done at Bay station a few weeks ago meant that subway patrons were rerouted through the legendary Lower Bay station, which was only in full operation for a six-month period in 1966, when the TTC thought they could have trains shooting in multiple directions along the two main lines. That plan was scrapped, and since then, the station has been used mostly to shoot TV commercials and thrill dorks like myself.

Then there’s Lower Queen, a similarly abandoned station that would have been the hub for an east-west subway line along Queen Street. Think of the mind-numbing slowness of the Queen streetcars. Now imagine how much more vibrant (and accessible) that crucial downtown arterial road could be with some sort of unimpeded underground transit. (In fairness, some would say that would be a bad thing, as the quirky portions of Queen West would have probably long ago been fully gentrified, but that’s a hypothetical moot point).

Of course, there are the two other abandoned subway lines: the Eglinton West line (which would have extended the subway all the way to Pearson airport), and the extension of the Sheppard line, which would have seen it usefully connect to the Scarborough LRT. Both of those lines would have brought our subway system closer to the level of utility that I presume is offered by the systems in those other cities.

Sure, there’s the Transit City project, which will bring new light-rail transit (some of it underground) to Eglinton, Queen and several other corridors. But that — like 99% of civic projects initiated anywhere, ever — will likely be over budget, behind schedule and fall short of its original aims. And even then, it’ll bring us — over a decade into the 21st century — where we could have been before the 20th century was done.

Ah well. It’s all wishful thinking, really. You’re currently reading the musings of someone who gets excited dreams about riding to completely imaginary stops on the Toronto subway line. Yes, I’m serious. So in that spirit, I will salute the Toronto subway stops that could have been, in the style of the annual Hollywood dead list:

• Willowdale
• Consumers
• Victoria Park North
• Warden North
• Kennedy North
• Agincourt
• Progress
• Faywood
• Bathurst North
• Senlac
• Dufferin North
• Caledonia
• Keele North
• York Centre
• Jane North
• Scarlett
• Royal York North
• Islington North
• Kipling North
• Martin Grove
• Attwell-Skyway
• Carlingview
• Renforth
• Lower Bay
• Lower Queen
• Lower Eglinton West a.k.a. Allen

Why are you still relevant? Oh wait, you aren't.

To the surprise of no one, the Park51 project — that is, the building of an Islamic centre in lower Manhattan, a few blocks from the former World Trade Center site — has gotten plenty of people riled up, due in large part to thinly-veiled bigots such as Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich, and the flame-fanning of the 24-7 news cycle.

But it’s a not a debate, because calling something a debate presumes that there are reasoned, logical arguments — of some intellectual merit — to be made on both sides, with both parties wanting to engage the other in a civil manner. That is not the case here, because there are not two legitimate sides.

Put quite simply, opposition to this project is invariably based on some form of religious intolerance or ignorance. Period. Full stop.

There is no legal, constitutional, rational or moral argument to be made. The emotional argument — that it’s insensitive to build a Muslim centre so close to the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks — is predicated upon the aforementioned religious intolerance/ignorance, since it equates the actions of a small handful of Muslims with the religion as a whole.

Can anyone find me any way in which opponents of this plan have a leg to stand on? If so, please let me know. Until then, this is not a “debate”… it’s merely an opportunity for dirtbag politicians to capitalize on the xenophobia of their followers. And that’s worth neither our time nor our attention.

Can you see his wristwatch?

If you’re like me (and for your own benefit, I hope you aren’t), you’ve spent dozens, if not hundreds, if not billions of hours consuming passive entertainment online. YouTube videos, mostly. Such a situation is possible because media production and distribution has become so cheap and universal that there’s far more of it being churned out than could ever possibly be consumed.

But again, if you’re like me (in this case, I hope you are), you treat the things you see with a healthy dose of skepticism. When the origin of a piece of media is unknown (or of unknown veracity), that instantly brings its authenticity into disrepute. With the advent of ubiquitous media production techniques has come the widespread usage of manipulation techniques — nearly-seamless editing trickery used for any number of reasons.

We’re so accustomed to this trickery that questions get raised about productions that seem to be coming from a reliable source (as opposed to some anonymous YouTube poster). This week, questions have been raised about the “realness” of two big new media pieces: Justin Bieber’s song “U Smile”, slowed down by 800% and Roger Federer hitting an amazing trick shot during down time on a commercial shoot.

Is that half-hour-long dirge really a slowed-down version of a cheesy pop song? Did the Swiss star really knock a bottle off a dude’s head with a tennis ball?

Moreover, does it matter?

You better believe it does.

In the case of the Federer videos, there are multiple questions of authenticity. Considering he’s one of the best tennis players of all time, my personal opinion is that he really could hit the ball with the precision necessary to complete the trick in that video, without any post-production help. But was this really a “blooper”? Was this something Federer did off the top of his head, that cameras just happened to catch?

Well, given the fact that it’s being heavily pushed by Gillette, my guess is no. It’s likely just more “viral marketing”. But, hell, it’s working. I just named the company. I’m doing their advertising for them, simply by virtue of talking about this guerrilla video they produced.

And that’s why the authenticity of what we consume is important… when we stop to consider what motives or messages may be embedded in even the most passive pieces of entertainment, we realize that there’s often a lot more at play. But then, we rarely do stop to consider much of anything, in this hyper-fast world, do we? Hey, cool link. Put it on facebook. Retweet it. Send it along. Now onto the next one.

It’s why shit like Twifficiency works: while we may all have some niggling feelings of skepticism about what we’re consuming, more often than not we’re all too willing to continue propagating that media without consideration or debate.

Now, sure, sometimes we’re perfectly aware that we’re being manipulated, but simply don’t care because the material merits widespread attention…

Uh oh, here I am, giving Old Spice free advertising. But am I really? I love these ads as much as the next person, but I’m not going to go out and buy Old Spice… mostly because I’ve tried their products in the past, and didn’t like them. (Nor is my earlier mention of Gillette going to sway anyone’s decisions at the drug store, methinks.) Hopefully most people are as savvy when it comes to their consumer purchases.

But this goes far beyond deodorant and body wash.

The question of authenticity is important when it comes to discerning commercial motives… but it is vitally important when it comes to discerning political motives.

This is why we can’t let ourselves lapse into a communal complacency wherein the authenticity of a piece of media is irrelevant… because then we’re ripe for the picking for those in positions of social and political power.

A sneakily-edited video meant to sell a bathroom product or an album is one thing. But what about a forged document that implicates someone in a crime they had nothing to do with? Or a manufactured audio recording, meant to unduly manipulate public opinion on a matter of grave societal importance?

These sorts of items have real, lasting impacts on individuals, and our community as a whole.

It’s why we can’t abdicate our responsibility to be conscious, skeptical human beings. Because when we mindlessly accept, consume, pass along and promote what’s given to us, then we become nothing but propagators. For who? Corporations? Special interest groups? Politicians whose policies we may not agree with?

This is how wars get started, y’know.

Now, I’m not saying all of this to rain on your parade during your YouTubing down time. Screw around with videos to your heart’s content. I know I will. Watch dudes jumping around town performing ridiculous parkour stunts… and if it doesn’t matter to you whether those tricks are legitimate or just video editing, hey, in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not too important.

Just make sure you can flip your mind back on the next time there’s a “real vs. fake” debate that really matters.