Now I know why LeBron James always chalks up his hands before the start of a game.
It was long-term preparation for the most egregious, preposterous, self-indulgent wankfest the sporting world has ever seen.
The way his unprecedented hour-long live “special” last night on ESPN — dubbed The Decision — was promoted, you’d think LBJ was the first high-profile athlete to ever face free agency and make a decision about his future.
He, of course, isn’t — he’s just the first to approach it in such a transparently self-serving manner.
In his pathetic desperation to elevate his legacy, James took self-aggrandizement to an unbelievable new level, in a league already rife with disgusting displays of ego and selfishness.
And, to top it all off, he made sure to leave his hometown fans in agonizing doubt about his future, before summarily and smirkingly massacring the sporting hopes of the entire city — a city, let’s not forget, that’s already endured more than its fair share of depression, both in pro sports and in its general socio-economic well-being.
The old King is dead. Say hello to the new King — the evil King.
Any goodwill that James had built up in the first part of his career, with his dazzling skill, has now been completely and irrevocably compromised. Sure, the new Heat “dream team” may have picked up some new fans with this week’s news — which also included their acquisition of former Toronto Raptor Chris Bosh. But these are the same sort of glory-hunting losers who cheer for the Yankees simply because they’re good, not because of any legitimate tie to the city or to the team. In exchange for those nimrods, they’ve also suddenly picked up millions of new enemies.
For sure, the Heat will be a draw. Whereas they were a laughable afterthought for many years (with their NBA title triumph earlier this decade a notable exception), their presence in NBA arenas will now draw plenty of attention, and plenty of emotion. Aside from the aforementioned glory-chasing dipshits, I’m guessing the majority of fans will boo the Heat. Strongly. It’ll be like every time Vince Carter steps on the court in Toronto — except now it’ll be every arena that’s not in Miami.
But this hatred will be different than the hatred for, say, the New York Yankees. Fans hate the Yankee players not because of who they are, but because they’re members of a team with plenty of historical success and a front office bent on disrupting any competitive balance in the league by spending hundreds of millions of dollars in payroll. Derek Jeter is, by all accounts, one of the classiest guys in all of pro sports… but he gets smack talk from opposing fans (who’d love him if they had him) simply because he wears the Yankee pinstripes.
James, on the other hand, will be the one bringing the scorn with him to Miami. Longtime Heat fans, prepare for hell as you’re suddenly caught up in a maelstrom of bandwagon-jumpers and skeptics.
Sure, no one is naive enough to think that there’s any such thing as “loyalty” when it comes to professional athletes. These folks have a very limited window in which their bodies will allow them to perform at the highest level and, being humans, their instinct will almost certainly guide them towards the path of greatest wealth accumulation and/or best shot at reaching the pinnacle of success.
But thousands of professional athletes have faced this exact same decision as James did, and approached it with class, dignity and respect. No one before James decided to make a ridiculous spectacle of the entire thing, cynically manipulating the press and the emotions of millions of sports fans in order to showcase his own personal “brand”.
Perhaps the most stomach-churning aspect of the entire ESPN sham was the decision to surround James with children as he announced his decision — kids who, ostensibly, stood to benefit from the televised farce, as the advertising revenue was to be donated to Boys & Girls Clubs of America.
Hey LeBron, you know you could have just cut them a cheque, right? No need for the dog and pony show.
Now, of course, I’m just feeding the monster by talking about it… and, from the perspective of the NBA and the Heat, asses in seats are asses in seats, whether the people are there to cheer their home team or boo LeBron… and James’s televised masturbation is just symptomatic of the larger problem, which is our celebrity-obsessed culture… and if I were in his shoes wouldn’t I do the same thing blah de dah de dah…
Really, I don’t give much of a flying hoot about LeBron James, or the Heat, or basketball in general. I’m just one of the many assholes who just comes out of the woodwork to comment when something especially good or especially bad happens. Is it really mentally healthy to develop a passionate hatred for someone I’ve never met? No, not really. So I won’t.
Instead, I’ll spend my energy feeling bad for the people of Cleveland… especially the guy who devised the Hastily-Made Cleveland Tourism Videos. Looks like he’ll need to cook up a new, revised edition now.