The Daily* Squizz

A lot of people, really. And the week isn’t even half finished. But here are some folks who’ve had it especially rough so far.

Shirley Sherrod. The former employee of the US Department of Agriculture was forced to resign after a misleading video of her was posted on a rather ironically-named website, and later picked up by an ironically-named TV station. In line with our generation’s minuscule attention spans, a 40-minute speech she delivered to the NAACP — which stressed the importance of racial tolerance — was cynically edited into a three-minute clip which, when removed from its context, could be construed as racially intolerant. Not only did her employers throw her under the bus, so did the NAACP.

When the “news” organizations’ shenanigans were revealed — and the “targets” of Sherrod’s “intolerance” spoke out in her defence — the Agriculture Secretary said he’d consider giving Sherrod her job back. She called the Department’s backtracking “bittersweet” but said she may not take her job back, even if it’s offered. One way or another, it’s definitely been a shitty week for Sherrod, and further proof that you can’t ever say anything ever, anywhere, under any circumstances, that could ever be taken out of context and put on YouTube… or else you’re screwed.

Rob Ford. And now, to totally hammer home my ideological biases, I’m going to jump down this Toronto mayoral candidate’s throat for an off-the-cuff remark. In the latest televised debate last night, the city councillor said to fellow mayoral candidate Sarah Thomson: “You’re a nice lady, but you have zero political experience.” Now, in isolation, the statement is objectively true (well, the part about Thomson’s lack of experience, at least; we’ll just have to assume that she’s nice). But when delivered by a bellicose blowhard like Ford, it just oozes of condescension — and, if you’re so inclined to read it that way, misogyny.

Now, there’s hasn’t really been any fallout from this remark — despite the Twittersphere going a bit apeshit about it last night — partly because it slipped largely under the mainstream media radar, and partly because the people of Toronto don’t give a damn about civic politics (38% voter turnout FTW!) But that is why it’s been a shitty week for Ford — because he’s now been lulled into a false sense of security about what he can get away with when it comes to condescending remarks.

So now, at some point down the road, if it’s neck-and-neck with him and George Smitherman… maybe Ford will feel at ease dropping some (in his mind) “innocent” remark about Smitherman’s sexuality. And in a city that’ll be hosting World Pride in four years’ time, you know that wouldn’t go down very well.

No, I would not like to have tea with both, or either, of you. Thanks.

People who think Conrad Black is a douche. This is a wide and varied group, including former employees of Hollinger, Jean Chretien, and readers of Maclean’s magazine, who’ll now be subjected to weekly columns by Barbara Amiel gushing euphorically about an anticipated reunion with her beloved. Black, the former media baron who was in a Florida prison after being convicted of fraud and obstruction of justice, was granted bail this week because, lo and behold, white-collar crimes involve a lot of complex legalities.

Now, he won’t be permitted to come to Canada upon his release, but then, why would the Baron of Crossharbour deign himself to set foot on our soil anyway?

Ilya Kovalchuk. The Russian goal-scoring machine* looked poised to sign the most lucrative (and ludicrous) contract in NHL history earlier this week: a 17-year, $102-million deal with the New Jersey Devils. Why such a long contract? Well, under the NHL salary cap, a team’s yearly “cap hit” is not the actual amount of money they’re paying the player that year, but rather, the average yearly salary under their contract. So while Kovalchuk would be making $11.5 million for five of those seasons, he’d only be occupying $6 million worth of salary-cap space (102 divided by 17). In the final six years, he’d never make more than $1 million… but it doesn’t matter, since he’d be retired anyway, and those years were only tacked on in order to bring down the salary-cap hit.

The NHL saw — as could anyone with even a passing knowledge of the league’s salary-cap rules — this for the manipulative ploy that it was, and rejected the contract.

So while this week has been shitty for Kovalchuk — who was probably already spending the money in his mind — next week may be a shitty one for the NHL, if the sniper decides to head back to his native Russia and play in the KHL, a league where the oil money is flowing and each team can have one “franchise player” to whom they can pay whatever they want.

*And to clarify for non-hockey fans, Kovalchuk is indeed a human being, not the culmination of Soviet athlete-robot hybrid experimentation as first demonstrated in Rocky IV.